Dear Uncle Sam,
I know you’re busy, what with all your other nieces and nephews; but I wanted to write to let you know that lately, you’ve been on my mind and I’m compelled to write you. And you know me, when I’m compelled; nothing short of a natural disaster will dissuade me. Must’ve inherited that from dear old dad, eh?
The reason for my letter is really rather simple. I want to express my deepest appreciation to you of course, and all my other Aunts and Uncles there on Capitol Hill. I apologize for not getting up there for a visit. Working, raising children, taking care of ailing family members, my own health issues and other day to day activities just doesn’t leave much time for leisurely activities or vacations. Not to mention the expense. Gas, food, utilities, taxes, oh and my not getting a raise in awhile has left us cutting back in quite a few areas, so we can’t vacation again this year. Maybe next year, if this recession lets up. I hope you’re not too disappointed.
But I digressed. I want to say thank you, Uncle Sam. Thank you for all you’ve done for so many of my fellow Americans. Without you I don’t know where they’d be. You’ve made it possible for millions of people to survive! They have roofs over their heads, televisions with cable to watch the happenings in this great nation, utilities to keep them warm in the winter and cool in the summer, cell phones to call the authorities in case of an emergency, you provide them with down payments for cars so they can get to the grocery store where they can use the money you send them to purchase food or nonessentials like soda pop, cookies and chips and you provide them with free health care when they are sick or have an accident. You are so benevolent and selfless. My heart just swells when I think of all the compassionate things you do for so many who won’t do for themselves.
I also feel the necessity to thank you for the regulations and policies you’ve set for us Americans. We wear seat belts because you tell us it’s safe and if we don’t we pay a fine. That’s a good law, because we’re not intelligent enough to do this on our own. We have fire safety cigarettes now because we’re not responsible enough to make sure our cigarettes are snuffed out and our houses could burn down. This is such a relief. But, even if our house did burn down, you made sure we have rules in place that require home owner’s insurance because we aren’t smart enough to know this is a wise investment when we have a home, with or without a mortgage. I’m also relieved that you made laws to ensure we pay our taxes, even though many Aunts and Uncles on Capitol Hill, who are experts on the tax laws or even wrote them, hiccup or don’t understand the very codes they’ve written, don’t pay them. It’s an oversight, I’m sure, since Capitol Hill is such a busy place with so many so concerned with the welfare of us Americans. For example, when you give each other pay raises in the middle of the night while I’m sleeping. It’s so considerate of you not to bother me with such petty things like increasing your salaries while mine stay stagnant. After all, I’m taking sleeping pills to try and sleep because I’m under so much stress due to the stock market crash and losing half my retirement and wondering how I’m going to put your grandnephews through college now or just worrying if I’ll even have a job tomorrow. It’s nice to know you have my back. I’m sure the rest of my fellow Americans are just as grateful. Being an American is, nevertheless, being compassionate, and if we can’t take care of our Aunts and Uncles in Congress, then who can we take care of, right?
I mean the least we can do is provide you with 175K a year salary, pensions for life, a fleet of vehicles that resemble a Mercedes dealership, first class air fare, your own cafeterias, paid vacations at Resorts while you discuss the Nation’s business or have classes on how to cut out unnecessary expenditures or wasteful spending and SS benefits even if you don’t pay into the fund. You are after all, public servants and should receive any and all benefits from the public!
Sometimes, Uncle Sam, I’m at a loss for words. There is just too much I want to say to you and not enough time or paper to express it all. But I want to say one last thing. I sure hope you can get that health care program passed. I know you said it would compete with private insurance. But I know you, Uncle, once you get involved in something it’s ALL or nothing. You’ll start out insuring the so-called “uninsured” for now, but before we know it, you’ll have EVERYONE insured! You’re amazing like that you know! You write those long thousand page bills that we average Americans can barely understand and you don’t even expect us to. It’s so thoughtful of you to not want us to waste our time, due to the busy lives we lead, to worry about what’s shoved into those monstrous amendments. I just hope the health care bill will tell me what I should eat, when I should exercise and I sure hope it taxes fast food places like McDonald’s and all those horrible sugary drinks and any food that is bad for me. I also hope you will make sure that anyone who doesn’t take care of himself, as you deem appropriate, and is obese or drinks alcohol or smokes, goes to the end of the line when trying to get doctors’ appointments or medical help. And I’m confident you’ll make sure senior citizens will pass a test before they drain our health care system. After all, they’ve lived long lives already and should be cared for after the young. But I’m certain you have this already figured out and I have no need for trepidation. The health care bill will probably pass like the stimulus, speedy-quick and without anyone reading it and it will have other items included which have absolutely nothing to do with health care. But why should I worry? You’re all so honest and you were placed in Congress to take care of me and my fellow Americans; to do what we want; so I should be able to rest peacefully…
*For those who don’t know; this is satirical.